January 8th, 2022

“I am the chief of sinners” stated Paul (1Tim.1:15)

And yet God chose Paul to shepherd the Gentiles. To Bring Christ to them and guide them into His word.

I have been having a hard time dealing with this. Every night the same conviction, the same acknowledgement: I am a great sinner. I am a failure. I know exactly what I should be doing. I long to live in and act on an ever present love and concern for the well being of my family, friends, acquaintances, neighbors…I long to be like Christ. And, yet, every night failure is what I rest my head on. It is the bed I lay on. I am the chief of sinners.

How can I minister to other women, call them to live in Christ, all the while I fail at it myself?

This thought paralyzes me at times. Days of just wanting to crawl in bed and give up. Even prayers requesting the Lord to take me home. Sometimes, there are times when I literally pound my chest, crying out “Give me strength to do what You have called me to do”. Or I play the blame game, “Why can’t You just make me do what is right?”.

And that’s where I have been the last couple of weeks. Drowning in guilt, shame, fear, failure, weakness…all of it sin.

And that’s the crutch of it, isn’t it? I am a sinner AND I am weak. 

I need Christ. I need His righteousness. Without it…I have absolutely nothing, no hope, only darkness in my sin. 

So here, I am, wrestling with my weakness, failure, and sin. Blood shot eyes, sleepless nights, heavy heart…asking the Lord to show mercy on me AGAIN. Looking to the only One who conquered sin, trusting in His work because tomorrow will be no better. I may gain strength to tackle one sin, only to commit another. Where else can I go? Who else will rescue me?

Christ is ALL.

There were no perfect Apostles.

There were no perfect Prophets.

There are no perfect Pastors, Elders, Shepherds.

There are no perfect Ministers.

There are no perfect people born of Adam.

And yet, Christ chooses sinners, to proclaim to other sinners His word, His salvation…the Gospel.

He uses people who know they are weak and sinful to minister to others who are weak and sinful. It is His words we proclaim, not our own. 

I do not live up to the command to “be holy as I am holy”, but, boy do I long to! It is the longing to be like Christ that makes me fully aware how NOT like Him I am. If I were to “arrive” at perfection, there would no longer be a desire to be perfect, would there? 

And that’s the irony in ministry and ministering to others. The very failure to be what I call others to be is what drives me to Christ. The sins I commit, the failures at being submissive to my husband, to loving both him and my children, the days when housework doesn’t get done, or I’ve failed to give the children the Gospel when they sin and instead yell at them in anger and may even curse in it; because of these I look to Christ to clothe me, sanctify me, and rescue me from my sin. 

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That is me, living in this world. Always sinning in one form or another, expecting to accomplish in my own power obedience to the Law, finding only despair in trying to keep it and crying out to God to be merciful to me a constant sinner. By this definition, there is insanity in being a Christian in this fallen world. The insanity that comes from being a sinner yet also a saint.

And it is in this insanity that I call other women to enter into. God’s Word points us to our sin, shows us how we are sinners by nature, and points us to Christ, revealing to us who He is and our need for Him, His work, His Word, His Church, His body and blood. God’s Word calls us to be holy, instructs us not to sin; teaches, rebukes, corrects and trains us into righteousness. And when we, like Paul arrive at the understanding that we are chief sinners; that we by the Spirit long to obey God, yet our flesh does not comply, rages against our will, and does not have the ability to carry out the good that is God’s Law; we cry out that we are wretched. Perhaps even pound our chest in despair with bloodshot eyes during sleepless nights crying out for mercy.

Then this wheel of insanity, of sinner and saint, comes full circle again, as I come to God’s word, The Word: Christ and the Gospel. I hear again how He came in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit (Romans 7:21-8:4). And my heart beats in thankfulness and love toward my Savior. Peace and joy bubble to the surface of the murky waters of this river named Original Sin that I swim in. Knowing this I set my mind on the Spirit, being a child of God and cry out “Abba, Father” as I rely on the Spirit to put to death the deeds of my flesh, suffering with Christ so I may also be glorified with Him (Romans 8:12-17).

So today, and maybe even tomorrow, I cry in frustration over my failures and sins. I repent and cry, weak and cast out because I am unclean. I know that if I can but touch His garment I will be made clean, and look to Him on the Cross I will be forgiven. 

For He is all I have.